If you remember what I said in my post regarding cynicism, you know how strongly I feel about it as a whole. And if you’ve read more of my content (If you have I truly thank you), you also know that I admit to having cynical tendencies. So in this instance, I think I would like to add a little more fleshed-out an opinion about cynicism as a whole.

            Quite a bit happens in a college semester. When you lose friends, if you’re introspective you tend to look within yourself and try to discern what could have caused a rift in the friendship. This isn’t done necessarily to rekindle the friendship so to speak, but to know how to avoid a potentially painful end to future friendships with people you value highly.

            This was a truth that came upon me. Over the past few months in my endless pursuit of self-improvement, I came to a realization that I found hard to swallow for a great deal of time. See, over the past 8 – 9 months I had been portraying myself in the best light possible, trying to rationalize doing selfless deeds, and working up the courage to express self-confidence louder than I ever did before. This in and of itself wasn’t a problem, since it was in tune with how I am naturally. The problem that came with it was that I half-assed this demeanor—I half-assed my cockiness, which I assure you, made me feel utterly disgusting.

            Every time a friend or acquaintance got the wrong impression of me through this new emotional expression, I would become very defensive. I would say something akin to: “You’ve gotta understand; I act this way because …”

            See the problem?

            I was apologizing for my self-confidence. Can you think of anything more self-destructive?

            Also, notice how I’d say I acted this way. The word struck a nerve. If I’m acting, I’m not being true to myself now am I? I’m being false. What a disgrace. I’ve been acting out purely on positivity in all aspects of my life because of my aversion to cynicism, but now, I think, I’ve come to realize cynicism is very much prominent within me. The difference is that my level of cynicism is on a micro scale.

            See, there are 4 ways in which we emotionally express ourselves as a whole: Total Cynic, Total Optimist, Micro-Optimist Macro-Cynic, and Micro-Cynic Macro-Optimist.

            The Total Cynic is what I’m nearly the antitheses of. These people drain you. You don’t want to be around them at all. They can’t see the bright side of anything and are blind to aught but their own troubles, typically letting these issues take over their macro-cynicism as opposed to worldly affairs. It’s a very pitiful demeanor.

            The second, the Total Optimist, is what I aspired to be over the past few months, but ultimately failed on since it wasn’t my true nature. It wasn’t a very good place to be, as I’ve learned being a total optimist can allow people who would take advantage of you to do so without hesitation. I would recommend being careful if you find yourself a total optimist.

            Then there is the Micro-Optimist, Macro-Cynic. I deal with these people a lot on campus and online. They have an appreciation for simple things blatantly expressed through their awe and optimism of things that affect them directly, but are pessimistic about the state of the world, saying things like “the world sucks,” and “life sucks,” and all manner of things I wouldn’t expect people who embrace an intimate optimism to express. That said, I’m very much able to tolerate this expression, I understand this category the most out of all 4, and I even hold close relationships with these people, despite me being the opposite.

            Which brings us to the last and what I’ve settled on: The Micro-Cynic, Macro-Optimist. These people you may initially believe to be cynical beyond belief – these people seem to complain about every minute thing which can be either trivial, or genuinely relevant to their livelihood. However, something uncanny that you will see once you speak with them for a while is that they have a pure optimism of the general world. Yes, things may appear bleak at times, but they have an underlying faith in humanity stronger than any of the other forms of expression. They use their cynicism to remain guarded, but also believe in overall positivity.

            Let’s use me as an example. If you follow my antics on Snapchat, you would see me passively rant about so many things on a daily basis. My pain, the workload I have, how tired I feel, overreacting to a hard test, anything that comes to mind I rant about. It’s the platform in which people see all of my micro-cynicism. However funny enough, when people see me on Instagram or talk to me in person, they’re blown away by the sheer amount of optimism I have for the world as a whole. I have a few friends like this, and I was always curious about them because in truth, it annoyed me a little. Before realizing this within myself, I thought these people were masquerading their cynicism for the world through the expression of positivity.

            Understanding this, I was able to bring myself more in tune with my nature, which as a result led to me becoming unapologetic in self-love and confidence, which I wholeheartedly believe everyone should aspire to improve upon. It has also guarded me against potential threats from people who would want to take advantage of me.

            So if you want to see my transition of what I wanted to be versus what I am, here it is: Before:

            I want to inspire people to become the best version of themselves through becoming the best, most confident version of myself.

To now:

            I want to become the best, most confident version of myself because it feels good & I’m curious to know what I can do, & if I inspire others to do the same, that’s wonderful too!

            There will be people who claim neutrality. They will say that they do not have an allegiance to any of these. It’s quite possible to oscillate between these overall emotion-based expressions, however, the one you primarily are in is the one in which you belong to. Being neutral, however, means that we are completely detached from our feelings, which naturally isn’t true as a whole. We formulate opinions on matters, which direct us toward these four categories.

            Funny enough, if I hadn’t half-assed my demeanor back then, perhaps I would have retained a lot more friendships and relationships. At least it’s a learning experience, right?

            How about you? What expressive demeanor are you?

Much love,

~Dylan